When I Married My Mother

When I Married My Mother

A Daughter’s Search for What Really Matters—

and How She Found It Caring for Mama Jo

By Jo Maeder



When her brother’s wedding threw her back into her estranged mother’s life, Jo Maeder realized that she could no longer leave frail “Mama Jo” alone. Against the advice of all her New York friends, she bought a house in Greensboro, North Carolina (or as she says, “Green-something”) for her and her mother to live in together. In When I Married My Mother, Jo Maeder details her decision to leave her glamorous, fast-paced life as a New York City DJ to care for her mother in the Bible Belt. From the struggle of cleaning out the safety hazard of Mama Jo’s house (due to decades of being a chronic hoarder, especially of dolls), to the emotional upheaval of living with a loved one with senile dementia, Maeder chronicles her three-year journey as an informal caregiver—recounting how “marrying” her mother allowed her to repair the long-time rifts in her family and discover a life that perhaps fit her better than the one she had.


The years Maeder spent with her mother also gave her a passion for the demands facing people living with the elderly. She tells of the intricacies and irritations of finding a part-time nurse and learning how to interact with someone who is newly dependent on others. Her discussion of the pros and cons of entering “The Daughter Track” is frank and honest, including the financial difficulties she faced after giving up her career, the doubts she had about leaving her fun, flirtatious social life to live in the Bible Belt, and the shock of adjusting her world to include a mother she barely even knew.


When I Married My Mother highlights the growing trend of intergenerational households. The most recent census data shows a 67% increase (to 3.6 million from 2000 to 2007) in the number of parents living with their adult children. And when the average annual cost of a nursing home stay is $70,000 (a figure that can double depending on where you live), it’s no wonder that many people choose to care for elderly or disabled family members in their homes and without the help of professional caregivers—especially in light of the current economic crisis.


Maeder’s blend of humor, honesty, and nostalgia will resonate with those already providing care to loved ones (an estimated 34 million people in the U.S. are informal caregivers for the elderly), as well as the more than 76 million Americans who are at least fifty years old—many of whom will adopt an intergenerational lifestyle at some point.


Perfect for Mother’s Day, When I Married My Mother gets to the heart of the mother-daughter conflict. Maeder explains how her unlikely reunion with her mother not only changed her life (and cured her arrested adolescence), but was also the catalyst for pulling her long fractured family together again. Though often rocky, their “marriage” turned out to be a triumphant success that taught her about life, faith, and what really matters.


Jo Maeder was a DJ on New York’s WKTU, K-ROCK (as “The Rock and Roll Madame”), and Z100. She has written for the New York Times and More magazine. She lives in North Carolina and New York. www.jomaeder.com