By Rachel Greenwald
Why He Didn’t Call You Back: 1,000 Guys Reveal What They REALLY Thought About You After Your Date
Chemistry on a first date is always tricky. Our brains show up with a rational list of likes and dislikes, fine-tuned through years of dating. But while we sit across from our date and mentally check off that list, we don’t give our bodies (especially the heart) a chance to first experience an intangible connection and attraction. We look only for flaws. As a Dating Coach, I frequently see how the brain shuts off too soon before the body has a chance to react. But we all know that if your body is saying “yes,” you can usually rationalize anything your brain is saying!
Below are five common “flaws” that you should ignore on a first date, just until you get to know him or her better emotionally on a second date or beyond (then you can make a better decision about real chemistry). Here are other ways you can re-frame these perceived negatives.
Flaw #1: Too old
If someone is older than your ideal dating age, chances are high that he or she is more mature and established. A good thing, right? But there you are, ready to walk away. Maybe you’re worried that you’ll end up with someone who can’t keep up with your energy or lifestyle. Maybe the concern is that this person is past child-bearing age, or the opposite: ready for a child when you’re not. Perhaps you’re worried that one day you’ll end up playing nurse to an elderly spouse. But life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans. The 28 year old woman who should be the perfect age to bear children suddenly learns she’s infertile. The virulent 34 year old guy can be hit by a car or struck by a terrible disease, while the 65 year old lives another 20 great years. Ask yourself this: if you find someone you love who is your ideal age, and things didn’t turn out the way you planned, would you stay by his/her side? Chances are good that you would stay, so grab love where you find it because there are no guarantees in life.
Flaw #2: Undesirable height and weight
One of the most common reasons why we have a negative reaction to someone upon first sight is undesirable height and weight. Whether your date is too tall or too short, or too heavy or too thin, you probably have a bad gut reaction when you see someone for the first time if they’re not in that narrow range considered “just right.” But I would bet anyone a million dollars (yes, that’s right!) that if I polled 1,000 married people and asked “What’s the #1 reason you are happy or unhappy with your spouse?” that 999 would not mention height or weight (you know there’s gonna be one jerk who says, “My wife is too fat!”). The point is that if long term happiness is not a function of height and weight, why would you rule someone out so fast based on that criteria? If you know that in the long run, personality counts more than looks, don’t you think you should give someone at least a 2nd date if the personal qualities are awesome? (And by the way, have you noticed that the most confident and sensitive lovers aren’t men who are exactly 6’0” tall or women who weigh exactly 110 lbs.?)
Flaw #3: Waaaay Different Interests
Sure, in the ideal world, you both love knitting and tennis. But what if he’s a golf fanatic and she’s a fervent cyclist? Is there any hope that the two of you are compatible? Look at it this way: the other person’s passion gives you time to pursue your own interests, the chance to learn something new, and best of all, feel excitement when you’re finally together at the end of the day. Realistically, how much time do you think happily married people spend together? It’s certainly not 24/7. Having separate interests allows you to build other friendships, which is healthy in a marriage so that you’re not reliant on your mate to fulfill 100% of your needs. And ask yourself this: if you two end up living together for the rest of your lives, think about how much time that is. Don’t you think you’d want some time apart?
Flaw #4: Divorced
Of course there are questions when someone is divorced: is he/she able to sustain a relationship over the long haul? What part did he/she play in the past marriage failure, and is it incurable? But in my experience, divorced men and women are wiser about relationships and know themselves much better. Ultimately, would you rather be in a relationship with someone who gave a committed relationship a chance at marriage, even though it didn’t pan out, rather than someone who couldn’t commit at all? This is a person who has proven a willingness to take a leap of faith… and that’s kinda rare these days. Besides, if you rule out divorced people in the dating pool, statistically you’ve just eliminated more than half your chances to find love.
Flaw #5: Bad Kisser
So you had a fantastic time on your first date, you leaned in for the goodnight kiss, and horrors, he or she was a bad kisser. I can still picture Charlotte on Sex & The City cringing with disgust during that scene with her bad kisser! While it’s funny on TV, it’s serious in real life. But don’t walk away, because the good news is that it’s one of the easiest problems to fix. Whatever the issue is (too much saliva, a darting tongue, limp lips, etc.), his ex-girlfriend or her ex-boyfriend probably liked it that way, and may even have taught it!
Ask yourself a key question: was there any correlation between how my last mate kissed and how good the relationship was? Chances are, one had nothing to do with the other. Then the only obstacle now is finding the right words to communicate what you like. Next time you kiss, gently make a suggestion, but stay focused on the positive. Instead of complaining about what you don’t like, say “I like it when you kiss me like this….” (and show him/her your best kiss). I bet with patience and a little trial & error, you can turn your date into one amazing kisser.
Remember: it’s easier to “rule out” than “rule in” on a first date. But I can tell you from coaching thousands of singles over the years that those who seek to “rule in” end up with a much better chance of finding love. Next time you find yourself tempted to pass someone over because you see a superficial deal-breaker up front, please slow down that flaw-meter and give your body a chance to seek physical chemistry.
Rachel Greenwald is the author of the new book Why He Didn’t Call You Back: 1,000 Guys Reveal What They REALLY Thought About You After Your Date, and the author of The New York Times Best Selling book Find a Husband After 35 Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School. She is also a Dating Coach and Matchmaker. She is a frequent guest on “The Today Show” and has been featured in dozens of magazines from “Oprah” to “People.” If you would like to ask Rachel a question, please visit her website at whyhedidntcallyouback.com.
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